PDX Operator: 12/16/07

Saturday, December 22, 2007

' "Loft Ceilings! Stone Surfaces Throughout! " ' Pop-Tarts, History and the "Spendy" Home

Know why those European castles are abandoned and crumbling? How come Nic Cage was able to buy one?
They're colder than *crap* to live in.
So, why are we rebuilding them?

Fred Flintstone made that whole all-stone construction thing looks good, didn't he? Seems like all a man needs is to throw on a pelt in a cave of his own? Well, darling Fred was a shill who sold out to anyone who'd offer and here's the proof. Smoking!

That bare floor of yours is a heat-sucking Vampire. You were safe in bed. The Floor Vampire planted the thought of a delicious, crispy-fruity toasted Pop-Tart in your head. To have it, you must venture into the flagstone-floored kitchen, and this thought has made you cry. The Floor Vampire was lying in wait for you to venture out, and now, it has you. Feel it drain the life from your body as you pray in vain for the Pop-Tart to toast. You may make it back to bed with the Pop-Tarts, but you will have to crawl. Your former feet will be frozen to the floor.

Even before there were Pop-Tarts to lust after, people would throw hides and rushes down on those floors in self-defense. Wasn't this why we invented lineoleum? And moved to the city, selling the stone houses to idiotic American actors?

So OK, it's a stone floor. Why not fire up the heat? This works great. Below the loft ceiling, temperatures are snuggly-warm- - far, far above your head. The floor, as they say, remains unchanged. The resulting heating bill will enslave you.

Maybe a quick sandwich in your super-fab all-stainless steel kitchen? The peanut-buttered knife left in the shiny sink, makes the sink Rust. Feh. This is why our Creator gave us the miracle of Porcelain.

I predict the next design revolution takes us back to the easy-to-live-in 60's ranch houses, with wipe-clean countertops, porcelain sinks and linoleum floors- as a condo. Throw some thick, 70's wall-to-wall carpet in the den. Gimmie something heatable and livable. With Energy Star appliances, of course.

Friday, December 21, 2007

This Boycott Hurts Me a Great Deal

I adore this brilliant show. I watch the clock for the time I can see each new episode. Yet I've never seen it on TV. I don't even own a TV.

I've probably watched each of the Season One shows online 5 times each. Except for the Isabella Rossellini/ Paul Ruebens episode, which I've seen easily 15 times. Ads and all, advertisers.

But I am not watching any more online broadcasts until the writers and other guilds get paid for it. I'm talking to you, advertisers. Ad agencies. Why are you putting up with this strike? Having the nets refund your money is nothing compared to losing eyeballs in your key demographics. You can't get this fourth quarter back. Explain to the execs at your lucrative car account, how your unseen media campaign is selling their cars for them-? Maybe you want to encourage your obsolescence as the move to product placement increases? (The people at Snapple are geniuses. They've gone from bathroom break facilitators to snarky, self-referential "In" crowd members.)

Tell the AMPTP to get the lead out or your industry will die.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Thank You to Nancy at Sprint

It's counter to everything that is said about cellular service.

But not only have I gotten great customer service in the five years I've been with them, last Friday Nancy at Sprint did me a tremendous kindness. Thank you, dear heart.
-I tried to call you back and they said it wasn't possible to find you.