' "Loft Ceilings! Stone Surfaces Throughout! " ' Pop-Tarts, History and the "Spendy" Home

Know why those European castles are abandoned and crumbling? How come Nic Cage was able to buy one?
They're colder than *crap* to live in.
So, why are we rebuilding them?



Fred Flintstone made that whole all-stone construction thing looks good, didn't he? Seems like all a man needs is to throw on a pelt in a cave of his own? Well, darling Fred was a shill who sold out to anyone who'd offer and here's the proof. Smoking!


That bare floor of yours is a heat-sucking Vampire. You were safe in bed. The Floor Vampire planted the thought of a delicious, crispy-fruity toasted Pop-Tart in your head. To have it, you must venture into the flagstone-floored kitchen, and this thought has made you cry. The Floor Vampire was lying in wait for you to venture out, and now, it has you. Feel it drain the life from your body as you pray in vain for the Pop-Tart to toast. You may make it back to bed with the Pop-Tarts, but you will have to crawl. Your former feet will be frozen to the floor.

Even before there were Pop-Tarts to lust after, people would throw hides and rushes down on those floors in self-defense. Wasn't this why we invented lineoleum? And moved to the city, selling the stone houses to idiotic American actors?

So OK, it's a stone floor. Why not fire up the heat? This works great. Below the loft ceiling, temperatures are snuggly-warm- - far, far above your head. The floor, as they say, remains unchanged. The resulting heating bill will enslave you.

Maybe a quick sandwich in your super-fab all-stainless steel kitchen? The peanut-buttered knife left in the shiny sink, makes the sink Rust. Feh. This is why our Creator gave us the miracle of Porcelain.

I predict the next design revolution takes us back to the easy-to-live-in 60's ranch houses, with wipe-clean countertops, porcelain sinks and linoleum floors- as a condo. Throw some thick, 70's wall-to-wall carpet in the den. Gimmie something heatable and livable. With Energy Star appliances, of course.